Every year, about 13 million American adults move to a new home. Most do so with little social preparation. They leave behind years of routines and relationships that shaped their sense of identity. Source: greatergood.berkeley.edu.
What Moving Does to Identity
When people move, they don’t just change addresses. They sever informal ties—small daily interactions that anchor a person’s sense of belonging.
These ties include neighbors who greet you, friends who check in, or community members who share a common interest. Together, they form a quiet web of connection that makes life feel familiar.
Research shows that moving is as stressful as divorce or job loss. But the stress isn’t just about logistics. It’s psychological. The loss of daily routines creates a feeling of identity dislocation.
One person shared: ‘Two years ago, I was on vacation and couldn’t find one neighbor to water my plants. I’d lived in that building for over 15 years. I was mortified.’
For many, the shift from one community to another means asking a new question: ‘Who am I here?’
How Social Connection Builds Over Time
Building a close friendship takes about 200 hours of interaction. A casual friend requires about 90 hours. Weak ties—like neighbors or familiar faces—need just five hours of repeated contact.
A typical adult accumulates around 1,300 hours of relationship time over their lifetime. When someone moves, they lose all of that.
Yet, the first year after a move is a powerful window for connection. Disruption breaks old habits, making people more open to new ones. This is known as the habit discontinuity effect.
People who have just moved are more likely to join events, try new things, and reach out than they were at home six months earlier.
Why People Avoid First Moves
Many newcomers hesitate to reach out. They assume others are busy or uninterested. This creates a standoff known as ‘invite chicken’.
One volunteer described it: ‘We sat at home, hoping someone would call. We thought they were busy. They thought the same. Nobody reached out. Everyone stayed alone.’
Research from the University of Chicago shows people overestimate how awkward a first connection will feel. They underestimate how much strangers actually want to connect.
When Hazel hosted a coffee gathering, one neighbor texted that he was too nervous to come. Hazel responded with encouragement. He came. At another event, a man was dragged by his wife for just five minutes. He was the last to leave.
These moments show that people are not as reluctant as they seem. The real barrier is not reality—it’s anticipation.
Four Evidence-Based Ways to Support Newcomers
Over 250 volunteers across 25 U.S. states ran creative experiments to help newcomers feel welcome. They were trained in social connection science and shared findings that revealed four key themes.
The First Step Is Most Important
Many people wait for others to initiate contact. But no one does. The first move sets the tone.
When Hazel hosted a gathering, one neighbor said he was too nervous. Hazel followed up. He came. This shows that a simple message can break the cycle of hesitation.
Research shows people misjudge social discomfort. A follow-up text or a brief, friendly invitation corrects that misperception. It signals warmth without pressure.
Partnering Increases Motivation
Erin hosted a neighborhood event in New York. Afterward, she said: ‘I wished I’d had a co-planner to share the work with.’
People are more likely to act when they do so with a partner. The social cost of backing out is shared. This makes follow-through more likely.
Many volunteers said the group of volunteers itself motivated them to act. Not because of training, but because others were doing it too.
Repeated Exposure Builds Trust
Hansen hosts a monthly porch gathering with coffee and bagels. After two years, neighbors began to plan activities together—like cycling or helping a boy whose father is dying.
These actions didn’t come from planning. They emerged because people attended the same events regularly.
Research shows repeated contact increases trust. It builds weak ties—connections that help people find help in times of need.
The first gathering opens the door. Showing up again builds the neighborhood.
Spontaneous Actions Are Powerful
One neighbor left cookies on Kaitlin’s porch with a note: ‘Happy spring.’ It was small, unplanned, and agenda-free.
It made Kaitlin smile and inspired her to pass something on. Another volunteer saw a moving van and walked over. She introduced herself as a member of a group that supports welcoming newcomers. The mover said he wished he could move into the community.
Spontaneous gestures create a positive disruption. They bypass social calculations and signal warmth without asking for anything in return.
Being noticed is the first step to feeling like you belong. A clear role—like ‘member of a welcoming group’—removes ambiguity and makes first moves feel less risky.
Why This Matters
Welcoming newcomers isn’t just kindness. It’s a form of social investment. Studies show that helping others increases personal well-being more than spending on oneself.
Liz Cahill moved from Philadelphia to the Bay Area. She didn’t know anyone. She feared being forgotten. But her roommates, Lauren and Deirdre, welcomed her. They brought her into their social world.
Now, Liz creates spaces for others to feel welcome. ‘People here took a chance on me,’ she says. ‘So it gave me a duty to pay that forward.’
Every friendship begins with talking to a stranger. Someone just has to go first.
Years later, Liz became the person who notices.
The US Chamber of Connection is supporting a national initiative to help newcomers feel welcomed. Individuals can make a pledge to invite someone in and help build community.
For more on the science of connection, see the Six Points of Connection guide.
Learn more about life transitions and social connection at chamberofconnection.org/life-transitions2.
Sources & further reading
Featured image: Wikimania 2019 – Welcome and help how to keep a… by Trizek, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons. Image source · License
